January 16, 2013

"In an Effort to Get America Ferrera to Jump Off a 20-Foot Cliff into the Aegean Sea for a Scene, I Yell Unsupportive Things at Her" by Amber Tamblyn

“The longer you stand up there, the longer I want to objectify you.  Now jump!”

“Amber!  That’s not—”


“No, don’t!” America screams down,  “I don’t want to ever go through the ‘70s again!”

“Again?… But we’re all so young!” Blake says, floating like a leggy lily pad in the sun.

“And pantless! Get it, guys?” I ask.  “We aren’t wearing pants? Just bikins? But we’re doing this movie about pants?”

“You’re the worst,” Alexis says as Blake yells up to America, “America, don’t listen to Amber, let’s just count to 3 and on 3 you jump, ok?”

“Can you count, America?” I ask, “Specifically to the number that is the age you died at when you jumped off that cliff and went splat?”

“Screw you, Whitey!”

“Sure, but you have to get down here first!”

“I’m trying!”  America screams, “I…. I’m scared!  It looks so much further down than I thought it would be…”

“Do you want me to come up there and push you?”


“Do you want me to push you later, after we’ve been drinking?”

“Amber!” Alexis splashes me with water.

“Sorry” I say, “I meant push your MOTHER later. Out a window,”

“You guys they’re still rolling,” Blake cuts in. “We are never going to get this scene finished unless we get her to jump.”

“They’re never going to be able to use any of the dialogue either,” Alexis adds, “Amber you have the worst mouth.”

“Pshh, you mean BEST mouth, for man products.”

Alexis rolls her eyes, “I don’t….I can’t even…”

“Dicks, Alexis.  Dicks in my mouth.  Multiple ones.”

“Ok that’s—”

“Think of a tripod of weenies.”


“Sorry—meat slides.  On my playground.”

“You’re disgusting,” Blake redirects her attention up to the cliff,  “America, I am going to count to 3, and when I say 3 you HAVE TO JUMP.  Don’t think about it.  Just do it.  When you hear 3, just jump!  Alright?”

“Yes and I really will push your mom if you want me to!  You know I love you!”

“I hate you all,” America says. “OK FINE, on the count of 3!”

“Good!” Blake says, “One…”

“You can do this, Mommy!” Alexis cheers.

“I promise I won’t point at you and laugh when you’re mid air and look like a cupcake that’s been smashed against a wall!!”


“Fuck you!”

“That’s not very PG-13, Ferrera,” I say,  “Also I’m SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO YOU.”


“JUMP!” We all scream.

And she does.

Amber Tamblyn
is a Venice, California native.  She has been a writer and actress since the age of 9.  She has been nominated for an Emmy, Golden Globe and Independent Spirit Award for her work in television and film.  In 2005 Simon & Schuster published her debut collection of poetry, Free Stallion.  Her second book of poetry and prose Bang Ditto (Manic D. Press) was released in the Fall of 2009.    She is the creator of the annual poetry series, The Drums Inside Your Chest (thedrumsinsideyourchest.com) in Los Angeles and co-founded the nonprofit,  Write Now Poetry Society (writenowpoets.org) with poet Mindy Nettifee. Currently, she writes for The Poetry Foundation and has a poetry book review column in Bust Magazine.  Her next collection of poems is about child actresses.  She lives in New York City with a comedian.

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